Insane in the Membrane

President Barack Hussein Obama is a murderer! The man who ran on a campaign of "peace" and "change" took an innocent life - on film, no less! - and laughed as the carcass of his fallen enemy lain there on the carpet. No trial, no jury, no judge. He was the law at that moment, and because this harmless being simply "got on his nerves", he slew the helpless fool in cold blood. He could have at least imprisoned and then set him free, but no; Obama said, "Damn the Constitution!" and took its life. This man is deplorable and should be executed.

That's what our resident whack-jobs over at PETA what you to think, anyway. Why now, you ask? Oh? Did you not see the footage? Well, let me show you:



That's right, ladies and gentlemen; your president, the one (don't debate me on this statement, I don't wanna hear it on this post!) doing his best to clean up the mess both George W. Bush and Bill Clinton put us in is being accused, not of the typical, "left-wing liberal commie" crap, but killing an "innocent" fly by your friends at the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. My, oh my, talk about an organization that has lost its meaning.

PETA was started in 1980 as an organization dedicated to make sure four key things were monitored: 1.) Hollywood didn't mistreat animals, 2.) the fur trade was stopped, 3.) animal testing was either humanely done or stopped altogether, and 4.) farm animals were kept out of deplorable conditions. However, since the beginning, their methodology on safeguarding their core values has always been controversial. Throwing paint on fur coats, harassing lab workers in the streets, and suing movie lots are just some of the stunts this group has performed.

Once they realized this garnered them attention (like they say, bad publicity is better than none at all), they started to expand into the realm of the absurd, like suggesting fishing is the same as sticking a hook in your dog's eye, or eating beef is equivalent to dining on a monkey. They have even chastised sports athletes such as Shane Victorino for eating Spam, a much-maligned (yet pretty decent if cooked right) food considered a staple in his native Hawaii. But now, I can truly say I've seen it all.

They are sending President Obama a "humane fly trap" so he can catch the annoying pest that is known to carry diseases such as typhoid, cholera, and dysentery, and release it back into the wild. They said he should not "glorify" the killing of any creature and, as a role-model, should "know better."

(Before I continue, I want to point out I'm not at all against "animal rights" - thought I don't like that term. I love dogs and cats, and nothing should ever happen to them, such as beatings, over breeding, and even neglect; it breaks my heart to see that. However, there are some animals humans have used as food for 10,000 years, and until the last 150, did it humanely. I agree that furs from chinchillas shouldn't be harvested simply for a coat; the whole chinchilla should be used, either as dog food or helping to feed the homeless. Same thing goes for seal pelts and any other creatures that are useful to everyone. Over-harvesting is bad, too, and that should be monitored, or some animals will go the way of the dodo. But don't bitch at me for eating venison or call me a "murderer" because I have an ivory chess set. So long as it's done in an ecologically-sane and humane manner, we're the top of the food chain and we have every right to act that way.)

So, here's a solution I think most people can agree with: because there is a major over-population issue with this planet (6.4 billion and growing) and we're trying to rid ourselves of the idiots roaming around, why not round up every card-carrying member of PETA and anyone who believes their BS, put them all on some secluded island out in the Atlantic that no one lives at now, and drop a nuke on them. Solves three issues: 1.) reduces the population, 2.) gets rid of whack jobs, and 3.) shows countries like North Korea and Iran what actually happens with a nuke (since they apparently didn't study WWII history and forgot about Hiroshima and Nagasaki) and that we're not afraid to use it again.

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I'll leave you on a happier, less depressing shameless plug. This one is brought to you by my man Hopper, who is writing his first-ever-paid movie column today. Show him some love and go check it out! It's about Hollywood's latest comedy, Year One, and since it has Jack Black, you know it's going to be a tongue-in-cheek, witty, intelligent comedy. Now, if you're in St Pete, get out there and enjoy this beautiful morning before it turns oppressive later today. Word is, it's supposed to be 96° again today, with a heat index approaching 110°. Hope the A/C's working at your place! And if you're in Philly right now, don't forget your umbrella-ella-ella-eh-eh-eh, cause it looks like it's gonna be on-and-off rain today. Stay cool/dry out there today!