Please Stand By....

(Editor's Note: Hi to my minions out there! As you can see, I've been on a bit of a hiatus as of late, but fret not! I'm going to get back out here and write some more soon, so keep your eyes peeled, because the newest blog will both entertain and enlighten. More to come soon, but in the meantime, please enjoy this reposting of one of my more interesting blogs from my MySpace days. See you soon!)

(Original posting date: September 12, 2006, edited only for spelling)

Well, as you probably know, I haven't written anything in a while, so I did some thinking, because I want to make everything I say to count; I've spoken the truth before, and I'm not going to stop just to appease a restless audience. I've gone through many different factors in my mind to come up with this, so I hope this means 25% as much as it does to me. So, without further ado...

First of all, as most of you are aware, I took a (almost) spur-of-the-moment road trip to the Northeast a couple weekends ago, and I have to say, with the exception of not visiting two people (and they know who they are, and one wasn't a social call), I think the trip was a success. Philly will just have to be the next blog (though it would fit chronologically). This one seems appropriate for the occasion.

As everyone knows, yesterday was the 5th Anniversary of our nation losing it's last shred of innocence, and while this seems 24 hours late, think about this; today marks the 5th Anniversary we became a military state, a nation, not of freedom, but of lock downs and shoe searches. From the day of the first commercial flight (which happened right here, from St. Pete to Tampa, in 1912, BTW) to 9/11/01 (before 9:30AM, of course), with the exceptions of firearms and swords, we could bring practically anything on a plane. We could, with permission, go and talk to the pilot mid-flight and have our children sit on their laps, and when they were done, the pilot or co-pilot would give them "wings"...I still have mine. And I read an interesting article in the tbt* today (the Tampa Bay Times, for people who don't know what it is, and for my Philly friends, it's like our version of the Daily News, but free) about how since we've lost our ability to see our loved ones off, the airport is no longer the romantic, magical place it once was. Instead of kissing your lover good-bye and watch them disappear down the tunnel, or watching your children try to see Daddy one more time before he disappears for his business trip, it's a quick "See ya," at the curb, basically the passion of a one-night stand. You know their leaving, but not for another 3-4 hours, so you wait anxiously to hear they're boarding, but where are you? Not within 100' of them, minimum. And what about returns? No more rushing to greet them from the plane, with all the love and sense of security that they've landed in one piece. It's all gone now, all because we've turned into the equivalent of a democratic Nazi regime.

Because I said that, I could probably now be profiled as a terrorist, and since "they" now suspect me, I'm being wire-tapped and having all my e-mails and my hard drive searched right now. They'll find the porn sites I've visited, the e-mails I've sent to friends about chain jokes I've gotten, and my MySpace page depicting buildings in Philly. Does that make me a prime target because I'm a pedophile conspirator planning to attack Liberty Place? No, because I'm a white guy named Dietrich. The government is "profiling" (a pretty word for being racist) against anyone named Muhammed, Abullah, and Natal, anyone who sounds like their from the Middle East (except Israel, because we love them for killing the "Muslim targets" for us), or preaches to Allah (which, fellow Christians, is the same god as our God; remember, Abraham beget Issac (Jewish) and Ishmael (Muslim)...crazy how that works, huh?); the people of this great nation gave the government the power to do that by allowing our Congress to pass the "Patriot Act". The people did similar things back in 1933 by electing the Nazi party candidate for Chancellor (soon after Fürher) Adolf Hitler and allowing Lenin and the Boshlevicks to take over Imperial Russia in 1917, which eventually lead to the Great Purge by Stalin in the late 40's. History repeats itself, and we see that here. Pretty soon, blacks in our country won't have a thing to worry about because we'll be trying to enslave people of Arab ancestry because, "they all look like Muslims."

Has this day lost it's meaning? I mean, sure, it only happened 5 years ago and people definitely remember what happened, but what, if anything, have we learned? There was a chain bulletin (most likely sent out by someone who isn't old enough to care about what happened) last week saying every one should "skipp [sic] school because we shouldn't be here when people died. It should be a national holiday." I disagree. Memorial Day was a holiday set up by the Federal government back in the 20's to remember all the people who died serving this country, esp. the Great War (there wasn't WWII yet to warrant a moniker), since it just happened less than a decade before. Now, do we remember our fallen heroes more than a speech by our sitting prez before we either go down the shore/go the beach (pick your vernacular) or shop till we drop with all the sales? Obviously, that's not what the senator who proposed that holiday had in mind, and I'm sure rolls over in his grave every year. And the same goes for the Pilgrims in Plymouth. Do you honestly think they prayed, "Let us thank God for this bountiful feast, and let's thank Him for the amazing deals happening tomorrow down at The Wigwam. Now, I can get that wonderful bonnet for Sarah Goodwife for Christmas. Amen."? Hell no, and this is exactly what would happen if we make 9/11 (aka "Patriot Day" on the calendar I have at work) a Federal, State, or even a local holiday. Then 2,982 people died in vain, and how would you explain that to your kids when they ask, "Why do we celebrate this holiday, Mom?"

Then, I watched "Mr Smith Goes To Washington" for about the 4th time (but the first in a very long time...one of the best movies ever, I highly recommend EVERYONE see it at least once) today and it made me remember that the little guy can stand up and be heard in government. Of course, it takes a lot of heart and courage to do so, but that's the only way meaningful things are accomplished. It also reminded me of something that has been lost lately: the freedom of speech. Jokingly saying the word "bomb" or causally saying "I'm going to kill you," or even saying something that may offend someone like "handyman" instead of "handyperson" (what about women?) or "white" instead of "Caucasian" (what about albinos?) could have "harassment" charges filed against you. We used to be able to bad mouth the powers-at-large, and they would laugh it off. Now, if you say something bad about our prez, like calling him a "low-life douchebag who should be recalled" or a "lying emperor who has overstepped his bounds" could possibly lead to "terrorist" charges. Our Constitution guarantees freedom of speech and press (I won't start on them, I promise), but all we're getting is watered-down reasons to have our rights trampled on. The 4th Amendment protects us from all the searches at airports and the 5th-8th Amendments protect people who look or sound Islamic from being prosecuted like terrorists when they more than likely aren't (a study in Newsday showed that 87% of all Muslims in the world believed the terrorists should be kicked out of the Mosques) without due process. While some may say, "they killed innocent Americans without due process," I counter and say that our laws make us who we are, and if we decide to impede on them just because they're "inconvenient" at the time, it makes us no better than a fascist state like Mussolini's Italy or Stalin's communist Russia. We take a huge step back in human rights while the world moves forward, just because a handful of extremists are identified with an entire culture. It's the 1920's all over again, and if we continue, it'll be like the 1820's, just with technology. People, come to your senses; sto being sheep and think for yourself what is happening before we blindly elect another Hitler to power.

Man, I have so much more to say, but it's getting late, and I think I've covered the key points. I'm just as angered and hurt about what happened 5 years ago yesterday, and I know those 19 hijackers didn't meet Allah/God like they planned, but we shouldn't be on a witch hunt. Let's spend these days remembering our lost family, friends, colleagues, and neighbors, not with blood, but with peace. We can't make this world a better place unless we lead by example and why not start today?

He who saves one life, saves the world entire.
- old Jewish proverb

An Auditory Look at Bond

(Editor's note: While this was originally posted on Nov. 23, 2008, on my MySpace page, I have updated it on Dec. 1, 2012, to include the newest Bond movie, Skyfall. This is only to the list and not the prose at this time. One day I'll get around to editing the rest. Enjoy!)

So, I went and saw Quantum of Solace last night. If you've been living under a rock or in a cave for the last 5 years, EON has told us that these last two Bond movies (Casino Royale came out in 2006) starring Daniel Craig, are not prequels, but a "retelling" of the 007 franchise Ian Fleming so lovingly wrote 40 years ago, and Albert Broccoli so carefully produced for 30 years. I went in with such low expectations that I was just pleasantly surprised that 007 wasn't given amnesia and forced to retrace his steps to figure out who did it to him and take them down (a la the Bourne trilogy, which looks like they're trying to do after the utterly-boring Casino).

However, I'm not writing my review on this movie; as my friend Kevin will tell you, I'm "an idiot with movies". That being said, if you want a movie review, go see his blog. I'm writing today, not about the James Bond we see, but the one we hear. Every Bond movie has some good core elements (something the masterminds of this "retooling" have seem to forgotten...mostly): a suave, cool, and collected protagonist (aka 007); a cliched, yet campy and well-loved, saying or two (quick fact: did you know that martinis are really never shaken? If you did that, it becomes a watered-down mess. Basically, James was a lightweight with his alcohol and tried to hide it!); a Bond girl with a borderline R-rated name (Plenty O'Toole was pretty tame, though); and a really cool theme song for the time frame in which the film was set.

And that last one is the subject of this post today. There have been 23 Bond films to date, and 22 original songs (Dr. No was the only one to use the official Bond theme song as its movie song as well), so I think it's time to do a "Best of..." list. I'm sure there's some out there much more well-known (and better written) than mine, but fuck it! You're here, so might as well do it. Keep in mind, I'm not rating the movies, or even how the opening sequences were filmed; I'm only gonna rate the song itself. So, without further ado:

11.) "Moonraker" - Dame Shirley Bassey (from Moonraker)




Before you quit on this list already, remember what I said: I'm not judging the movies; that's Kevin's job. Mine is to judge the songs, and as far as the theme songs go, this one just beat out Quantum of Solace's "Another Way to Die" for this spot. With the vocals of Bassey, and the down-tempo sensation of floating through space, it fit into the theme of the movie precisely...even if the movie was pretty cheesy. (Another quick fact: Dame Bassey is the only person to sing the theme for more than one Bond film. One more is on my Top 10, but the one that missed the cut was "Goldfinger" for - you guessed it - Goldfinger)

10.) "A View to a Kill" - Duran Duran (from A View to a Kill)




EON has (almost) always chosen acts to do their themes that were super-popular at the time. You had Tom Jones in '65, Lulu in '74, Sheena Easton in '81, and Madonna in '02, so why should 1985 be any different. Duran Duran just came off their multi-platinum album Rio a few years earlier, and were still riding high. And this theme sounded like something that came off that album: lots of synth, big vocals, and a funky bass line make this the epitome of the '80s pop-rock scene.

9.) "Tomorrow Never Dies" - Sheryl Crow (from Tomorrow Never Dies)




Being a folksy rocker chick would usually exclude you from being picked for being the "artist-of-record" for a moment in time, yet she somehow pulls it off well; she doesn't let the big orchestra drown her out and makes sure you hear her loud and clear, yet doesn't strain to make it known. From the catchy hook, to the bluesy beat, this song works.

8.) "On Her Majesty's Secret Service" - John Barry (from On Her Majesty's Secret Service)




George Lazenby's only role was under-appreciated. Maybe that was because it was less action and more love story, or because Blomfeld's actor changed, showing the first flaw with the series. Possibly moreso, it's not well-received because Lazenby chose to leave after this one movie, thereby adding to the psyche that he believed his own performance was bad, so why should they like it; this, of course, was not the case. But in forgoing this movie, you miss a dark and sinister opening theme that fits perfectly into the sentiment of this film. (Now, I'll probably receive the most criticism from this one because some will argue "this wasn't the official theme of that movie." And, actually, they would be right. The official theme song was Louis Armstrong's "We Have All the Time in the World", which was a fantastic song and could be higher on the list. However, this song was played at the end, during the ending credits, and as that's completely out of character with a Bond theme, it won't be counted on this list.)

7.) "You Know My Name" - Chris Cornell (from Casino Royale)




With the "retooling", Bond was meant to be edgier, grittier, and more of a bad-ass and less refined; Chris Cornell fits this criteria perfectly. From Audioslave and Soundgarden fame, Cornell has always been one of my favorite rock singers, and he proves why here. With mainstream lyrics (the title's not forced into the lyrics) and a killer guitar riff, this song can be played on hard rock stations and no one would think twice and crank it up. Yet, it retains the big orchestra and larger-than-life sound needed for a good Bond theme.

6.) "Nobody Does It Better" - Carly Simon (from The Spy Who Loved Me)




Carly Simon has always been an intriguing singer. People still ask her to this day who "You're So Vain" is about (to which she doesn't reply), and it has been used in dozens of movies and sampled by Janet Jackson. Same goes with "Nobody", even though most people don't remember it's from a 007 film anymore. Turn on any soft-pop station in the country, and you can be assured this song is in their rotation. It has stood the test of time because it's not directly about Bond or the movie (though "the spy who loved me" is forced into the song rather awkwardly), and has the same elements of her other music: slightly funky, slightly folky, and plenty of piano. Any song with this much staying power in the mainstream is good in my book.

5.) "Skyfall" - Adele (from Skyfall)




From another Daniel Craig movie, and the third in his repertoire, this theme song, sung by the incomparable Adele, helps bring the Bond franchise back to its blues/jazz routes. It remains a cool, contemporary sound while conjuring up memories of Shirley Bassey, Tom Jones, and Tina Turner. Adele finds a way to make her voice known without overpowering the band, and they work together to create this masterpiece.

4.) "Diamonds Are Forever" - Dame Shirley Bassey (from Diamonds Are Forever)




They say the ultimate compliment is to be ripped off, and that's especially true when it's someone as famous as Kanye West. Some people shrug it off, while most others sue. Dame Bassey was not only was flattered, but she even offered the "usurper" more of her library. This is such a big song, and she's such a big voice, that it's easy to see why West would do such a thing for his song "Diamonds from Sierra Leone". Her powerful pipes constantly fight for control of the song from the orchestra, and it's a beautiful grudge match. Funky, jazzy, and loud, this song is sweet intoxication.

3.) The World Is Not Enough - Garbage (from The World Is Not Enough)




How does a rock band from Wisconsin become one of the biggest bands in the world then become a relic of the Grunge Age, only to come back and perform the Bond theme, which is inherently neither grunge nor rock? That's Garbage, the epitome of the Bond franchise; an evolutionary band pretty much capable of staying relevent in an ever-changing world. I firmly believe Shirley Manson wouldn't be on Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles if it wasn't for this glorious comeback. If you close your eyes and listen to the theme, (as their music video suggests) it feels like your watching a massive Broadway musical; there's enough brass and string instruments to rival the Met, and it's completely over-the-top...just the way any good Bond movie should be.

2.) "GoldenEye" - Tina Turner (from GoldenEye)




Who ever thought that Tina Turner was still relevant enough to be the Bond singer in 1995, 6 years after her last studio album, Foreign Affair, was a sheer genius. She has the look (though you don't see her in the film - another quick fact: Sheena Easton and Madonna are the only two singers in their respective films - Easton seen singing in the opening credits of For Your Eyes Only and Madonna having a cameo in Die Another Day) and the sultry voice to pull it off, and that - like Garbage's 1999 appearance - re-sparked her career at a time when the world thought she was done. You can see how I rated this and every other title sequence here, and I suggest you do. With the funky, sexy, and big song attached, this is very much a shining example of a Bond song.

1.) "Live and Let Die" - Wings (from Live and Let Die)




Can you name any other Bond song so relevant, so fresh, and so remade after 35 years? Large crescendos, sing-along lyrics ("You know you did, you know you did, you know you did"), a great riff, and a former Beatle - what more can you ask for? This takes the typical Bond orchestra, gives it a shot of adrenaline, puts tons of pyrotechnics in the room and ignites them, and still has time to have a Monty Python moment ("and now, for something completely different") by creating a catchy hook with a completely different tempo - in case you're about to make a fool of yourself and bust into air guitar. This song makes every other Bond theme seem like they were created to put insomniacs to bed; it's in-your-face and unapologetic. While the movie was good, though not great, the theme was, by far, the best ever created for a Bond. Listen to your classic rock station; I bet you hear this version in the rotation once in a while. (But don't talk to me about the Guns N' Roses version, that was garbage! Hey, I never said the covers were any good.) The chances of anyone making one to dethrone this theme have gone up with the "grittier", "edgier" Bond, and while I love both The White Stripes and Alicia Keys, EON really needs to try harder to find someone who can do it.

So, there you have it. For shiggles, I'll leave you with the rest of the list; consider them my "honorable mentions" as they were good in their own rights, just not the pinnacle of the franchise:

12. "Another Way to Die" - Jack White and Alicia Keys (from Quantum of Solace)
13. "From Russia With Love" - John Barry (from From Russia With Love)
14. "The Living Daylights" - a-ha (from The Living Daylights)
15. "All Time High" - Rita Coolidge (from Octopussy)
16. "Licence to Kill" - Gladys Knight (from Licence to Kill)
17. "The Man with the Golden Gun" - Lulu (from The Man with the Golden Gun)
18. "Die Another Day" - Madonna (from Die Another Day)
19. "Thunderball" - Sir Tom Jones (from Thunderball)
20. "Goldfinger" - Dame Shirley Bassey (from Goldfinger)
21. "You Only Live Twice" - Nancy Sinatra (from You Only Live Twice)
22. "For Your Eyes Only" - Sheena Easton (from For Your Eyes Only)